Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
