Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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