I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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