you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We are two peas in an std pod
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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