My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
