This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
