no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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