how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
