how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
