yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
