I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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