Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
