How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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