Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
