You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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