so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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