the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize