i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
