I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
