My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
