So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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My liver just had a heart attack.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
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I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.