The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
