well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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