I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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