Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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