Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
