i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
