i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
