Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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