Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
