I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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