All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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