just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
