so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
