Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
