So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
