at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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