ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
