I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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