I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
