I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Randomize
