So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Acid is not a monday night drug
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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