i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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