Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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