I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
