Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
