I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
