Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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