sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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