She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
