dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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