i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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